i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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