I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
