So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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