i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
