i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When are your genitals available?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
