Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
