i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
