Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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