I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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