the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize