well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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