cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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