What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
