It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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