Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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