I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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