You just made me feel so damn special
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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