I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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