yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
