i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
