Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
