Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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