Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
