at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I need a beard to bite.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
