she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
