between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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