no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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