I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
