You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
