ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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