Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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