why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
