I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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