I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
