she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
