i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
