we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
