hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
