Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
