i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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