i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
