is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
