I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
