I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Semen is not good for contacts.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
