i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
