my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
