My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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