halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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