so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
