Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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