How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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