Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
