listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
