I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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