when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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