she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
